Abuse

I'm addicted to emotional abuse. I love the feeling that he might leave any second and then comes back when I least expect it. I'm unhealthy, any advice?

Every time I feel like leaving, I send messages saying I'm done. He then returns this kindness with a day spent to me, in turn, catered to him, with money I don't actually have to spend.

I'm addicted to emotional abuse, I need help.

New Lover

I have been enjoying myself with a man, unfortunately there are flaws to this man.
Now I'm believing I have to force myself to let him go.
Because he is not interested.

I have been chilling with him for a month, and it is AMAZING!
I could feel myself falling for him in a crazy way, I have to let go.

Moment

For three weeks I was in heaven hanging out with a guy, he was everything I was looking for in a guy. Well not exactly, but he was down to go places.

Well, yesterday he decided our fling was over, even though yesterday we were having a blast at a Spanish concert.

It was over as quickly as it started.

It was a really good moment and now I know it will never be there again, I'm upset because I allowed myself to be with this guy knowing it was not going anywhere. Makes me depressed because I pick horrible men.

I'm hurt because I am having a hard time loving myself.

He was very handsome, but he could never take me seriously because of who I was as a person. I messed up from day one with him and he completely decided it wasn't going anywhere.
He fucken introduced me to his brother,,, and for what?! I don't know, and I never will.

Tomorrow.... it will pass.

Still sick, I wonder when it will be over. 
I am going to go to a friends party tomorrow! I can't wait!
I am so happy and tired already lol.
I should not go but I feel I must because I'm still depressed
Can't take back my invitation now.
Get to go out with friends, from high school days. :D
You, me, anyone would have a great time there.
Out I will go, out in a daze lol.
Of all days, though, it had to be when I'm sick.
My outfit will be AMAZING, I will be so flawless.
Head will hurt the next day but oh well.

I don't understand...

I don't understand how I could give my everything, myself, to a man who couldn't give a damn about me. I don't understand and I know I never will, there is no happy ending when it comes to him. A man I fell completely in love with, a man who abused me and I yearn for his abuse.

Emotional abusive relationships are horrible, I wonder if I will ever be the same.

I will feel alright for so long until my mind opens a thought in which I held down during our relationship, only because I felt it wasn't worth mentioning at the time. I did everything to secure him with me, and instead, it secured him, secured him to cheat on me.

I held onto remnants of him, I kept him as a friend on my STEAM account for a very long time, until 2 days ago, I deleted him. I know I am done with him, that's what hurts the most, I'm done with him.

From now on, no matter if he contacts me, I can't go back.

I'm so hurt, I can't go back, I healed myself but the scars are still there.

Scars in which he gave me. It's over.

I will never understand why a human being would inflict this pain on another being.

Tweaking Blog

I'm editing this blog as I type this, editing will take place throughout the entire day. Sorry followers, I want to add other sites I'm on and I'm not familiar with website making so this is going to take awhile. There will be an update as to when I finally get it settled.

Thanks for your support! <3

Passerby

"Here Comes a Thought"

I feel like sometimes LIFE is not worth living, everyone has thoughts like this. Thoughts like jumping off a cliff or diving into a car, these thoughts run through my head at least a couple times a week. Then I stop, I breathe, I call my mom, she then goes onto to say "Think of the things that make you happy, think of things in this world that make you happy." I have been thinking about what makes me happy as often as thoughts of why I'm depressed are harvesting within me.

What makes you happy?

Things in this world that make me happy...

• My Daughter

• Being Alive
• Being Me
• Having a Great Family
• Doing Great in School

Life is not easy for me and no one really has it easy, however, I do things that make me feel accomplished, I feel accomplished. This is why my life is worth living.

p.s. that is not an actual picture of my canine daughter, but she looks like the above pic.

R....

There's a job in which I work with children after school hours, well, they had this faculty event today for all staff and faculty, so, I decided to attend. While attending I found myself searching for my ex who is an IT for a school, I assumed he would be there. Every minute or so, I would look for him, I was getting disgusted with myself, because I didn't want to stop until I saw him. Eventually, I forced myself to stop and just enjoy the conference I was attending. Then, in an instance, I just decided to look right, well there he was, he didn't notice me. He was walking down the steps of the auditorium to leave, he was smiling, wearing his same blue flannel that he got from American eagle, the same shirt I had torn off of him multiple afternoons.

My eyes followed him until he was no longer there, it hurt me so much, I felt like crying. Tears are rolling down my face as I type, I'm not over him and it SUCKS!

Life

A couple days ago, I was working at my job as a cashier when suddenly a little girl approached with her mother and brother handing me an item her mother was going to purchase for her. The little girls eyes were so innocent, so excited about her mother going to purchase something. This little girl was a girl I was too familiar with. I asked her her name, she replied "Sherri." This little girls name was Sherri. She was Mexican and from what a guy had told me part Filipino. I remembered this girl, because I had met her once before at a basketball game. It was a basketball game a friend of mine had invited me to because he was coaching for the team in which Sherri was a player in. I asked her if she remembered me, she just looked at me with a blank stare, her mom looked at me with a concerned look. I then told Sherri and her mom that I was friends with her daughters coach, then they were all smiles again. I then reminded Sherri that I was the girl who was with her coach waiting for her parents to pick her up after her basketball game. She then exclaimed "Oh YEA!" What they didn't know was the coach was my ex, and Sherri was a comment in which he gave me. At that game I was upset because my ex didn't introduce me to anyone there as his girlfriend or even his friend. I was hurt and when we were waiting for Sherri's parents to arrive, he sent me a text message because I was sitting away from them, I didn't want to intrude in a place I wasn't welcomed. He gestured to me to check my phone. The text message read "This is probably how our daughter would look."

The little girl didn't know that she was involved in such a meaningful day for me. She will never know. Thinking of the moment makes me feel so heartbroken all over again, he told me things he never meant and all the red flags were there.

That day I went home and wrote wedding vows, I know it's cheesy, but at that moment I knew he was truly the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I was determined to steal his last name. Now all I'm determined to do is let him go, never look back, I want to remember but also forget, I forgive the horrible things he has said and done to me. I know I will find a man worth loving eventually. I look forward to that day, when thoughts or memories of my ex will no longer make me cry.

Day..... 2

WEEK 1

Wk	Mon	Tues	Weds	Thurs	Fri	Sat	Sun
1	Run & Walk Run 1 min Walk 2 min Repeat 10X	Walk Walk easy 30 min	Run & Walk Run 1 min Walk 2 min Repeat 10X	Walk Walk easy 30 min	Run & Walk Run 1 min Walk 2 min Repeat 10X	Run & Walk Run 1 min Walk 2 min Repeat 10X	Rest

     So, after I got off work yesterday at 9:30 p.m., I went to work out because I want to Cosplay next year as a Ghoul. My workout started amazingly easy, but then when I got to the 5th repetition, I got extremely tired. This workout must be finished, it is an 8-week challenge that I will complete, I have mentioned many times I was going to start and finish it, but eventually, I would just stop or give up on it because of life. Though, this time, I can't, the world will watch me finish! Today is Tuesday, which requires me to walk 30 minutes, I shall accomplish this by walking with my daughter. The day I'm looking forward to is rest day. This routine is tiresome, especially how I do it. Instead of running a nice jog, I have been running to my limits, and the walk is to my limit. I feel extremely fat all the time, and I'm always tired, no matter what I do, I will be tired. Everytime I'm out and about I get extremely tired, I have been napping multiple times throughout my day and I believe it's because I'm overweight. 

    To look amazing is the ghoul! I will accomplish this, if it is the last thing I do!

Day ..1

G-DRAGON - 삐딱하게(CROOKED) M/V

I was supposed to go to the gym today, technically I still have time; however, I did do something really productive other than working out. Today, I went to my college, well let me start from the beginning...

Never have I been a good student, the only time I actually took school seriously was when I met my ex. As much as I can't stand who I became while with him, because of his influence, I do like how much he pushed me to become more into school. School was always a fear I faced, being the first one to truly go to college in my immediate family, it was extremely difficult; I had no idea what classes to take. Meeting him had many cons on my life, but the pros were HUGE, his insults led me to be more into school. I strived to shove it in his face, I strived to show him who I am, I was never stupid, and I always knew that, I know that. Not to brag, but my intelligence is pretty good, book-smart wise.

When I met him, my grades were taken more seriously, I felt as if he started to hate me more for it. I never took it seriously, but when I did, he started pushing me farther away. He started downgrading me in other ways, such as financially. Later in our relationship, I got a better job, kind of in his field but not really, he is an IT so he has a profession. I got a job working for the "after school program" in Oxnard, California. It pays well, then I was actually able to spend money on him, thinking he would like it, he started calling my financially unstable, that was a lie, he is a hater.

Back to my school life, my grades are EXCELLENT now, I actually got an 'A' in College Algebra. An 'A' is extremely difficult for some, most, I never got 'As' in my beginning years. Getting an 'A' is really just putting everything you're asked to do and doing it and remembering it for the tests. Well, I got an 'A', the class was needed in order to take my other classes in order to enroll in the X-Ray Technician program at Moorpark College. I tried signing up for Anatomy, but the registering system kept saying I didn't have the prerequisites.

After meeting up with my counselor, it turns out I have the prerequisites and that I'm only 3 classes away from my Associates in Natural Sciences.

I feel AMAZING! I am legit. HAH!

P.S. Comment something you're proud of, I'm interested.

Day ...

Still, completely and utterly heartbroken, but things are looking up. There's an online game I like to play, called "Dota," it's extremely fun and lately devasting.... because I keep losing. Anyways I play, my ex plays it also, I can't bring myself to delete him as a friend on it. A bit of me is holding him and seeing him on my friends' list eases the pain. I know I need to delete him on it, I know, but I can't help but be satisfied seeing him there, I am disgusted by the way I feel about him.

However, I have not visited his facebook page in awhile, that is a HUGE accomplishment. Also, yesterday I had a date with me and my daughter. I have mentioned before that I have a daughter, she is a canine. I would post a picture, thoughI am still quite shy about my face being on the world wide web. We went to the Ventura Harbor, she's never been there, we had a blast. We walked around, caught Pokemon, it was fun!

Korean music seems to be the only thing keeping me sane lately. 

There is an artist, his names "G-Dragon" HE IS FREAKEN GORGEOUS! 

LOOK AT HIM!

G-Dragon

This artist is freaken amazing! I can't help but be mesmerized by how gorgeous this guy is. My biggest weak spot for races is Korean men, they're my favorite kind of race in a man. I'm not racist, but Korean men are my top fave. I always loved Korean movies, I need to start watching the dramas.

I should sleep now. Peace Zoot! 

Life

Sitting here listening to Tokyo Ghoul music, I really wanted to tell my ex how much I fell in love with the series because he was super into it. Taking a break from all the math homework I been working on, I been trying to flirt with guys and get single. I hate men at this moment in life, I wish I never met any of the guys I dated or messed around with.

I felt weak from still trying to make it work with my ex but in reality, talking to an ex you were madly in love with is not weakness, IT IS NOT! I tried making it work! I fucken tried my hardest, even after he cheated, some people like to call people stupid for still sticking around their ex because their ex-cheated on them, that's not the case! Trying to make it work even after all hope is lost is very noble! I don't give a damn what everyone else says, I wasn't giving up on love.

I felt something strong, I felt the connection, a connection I did not want to lose, I didn't want to lose it at all costs that I put myself in danger. I put myself in such a vulnerable place, a place that I am now trying to get out of.

He stopped messaging me like crazy, all the time I brought up how I felt and I wanted us to be, he shut me down.

Shut me down to the shallowest depths, into the darkest places, many times I say "I'll give up, I'm leaving for good," I would go back. This time I will not!

"Don't mistake my kindness for weakness"

Don't mistake people trying to make love work in this hell hole as weakness, some people feel so much for other people, and those people they are in love with leave. Those people who saw them as stupid and weak are cruel. My ex's heart was never in it. He never liked our relationship, he despised everything about me.

I am leaving a dark place.

I Love Him, I always capitalized love to put emphasis on how much I felt for him, he never once cared. He cheated on me throughout our entire relationship. He would bash me for hugging people, he would bash me for saying "I love you" to friends. I got bashed for any guy I talked to. I got called every name in the book because he said, "I can't control myself when I'm mad."

We're forever over, and it hurts like a storm to say it. I feel like shattered glass.

If you ever read this ______ This one's for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-cvKiFf0n0&list=RDd_DFVzxsEUc&index=19

Here's the lovely poem you said was mine:

For the red rose wilted through the cold dry winter winds.
I bid good bye my forsaken one.
I bid good bye to the dying hymn chanting your oh sweet name.
Ah, I can still taste your sweetness in my tongue.

For the drying stream of water that flows on thy veins.
I bid farewell my forsaken one.
I bid farewell to the never ending nights of damn regrets.
Ah, your smell still clings to my rotten soul.

For the creeping darkness upon my vision for the things I long to see cease to exist. I shall grab your hand and jump head on to meet the deep abyss where we’ll both succumb to forever where our lives get devoured by nothingness. 

<3

Cheers to the goodbye of everything you lost.

Lame

So, I stopped posting and running because I got in touch with my ex. It was an epic fail, once again I gave into his messed up sense of love. I am starting the blog again, I will keep away from him, we talked and he completely stopped messaging me again, because I got emotional. So, here I am again. I hate myself, but I'm okay with it. Back to the real world of becoming me once again.

Step 1: Finish College Algebra Homework
Step 2: Hide all possessions that remind me of him
Step 3: Be ME!

Here we go again.

Story Of My Life

I messed up the running challenge so I started all over again. I have still been getting As on my tests in medical terminology. Recently my ex messaged me, and I messaged back and we continued to talk.Once again we hanged out and chatted, messed around. Just yesterday he didn't message me after I told him to, and of course I stalked his fb and the girl who originally broke up our relationship. 

He's still liking her pictures. I have to force myself to move on again, I just really hoped he was going to try to work things out and get back with me. But no. He still has me blocked on pretty much every single social media thing. Recently he told me he went out with coworkers for dinner. I'm 100% sure he was lying. So here I am again, trying to move on, trying to get away, trying to get in my groove again, the same groove I was in before he messaged me. 

It fucken sucks.

Running: Day 1

     So, today I started the 8-week running challenge, I'm tired. The challenge consists of intervals of running and walking. Today was the very first week, starting Monday, I ran 1 minute as fast as I could, then walked for 2 minutes. On the treadmill my running speed started at 5.0 then escalated to 7.0. As for my walking, that started at 3.0 and ended at 3.5.

     While I first started running a lot of thoughts crossed my mind, like my emotionally abusive relationship, luckily into the running those thoughts stopped. The stress from thinking about my fast paced summer classes just ran away with every interval I did. It is truly an amazing feeling. Below is the program in which I'm following for this week, also attached is the link.

Wk	Mon	Tues	Weds	Thurs	Fri	Sat	Sun
1	Run & Walk Run 1 min Walk 2 min Repeat 10X	Walk Walk easy 30 min	Run & Walk Run 1 min Walk 2 min Repeat 10X	Walk Walk easy 30 min	Run & Walk Run 1 min Walk 2 min Repeat 10X	Run & Walk Run 1 min Walk 2 min Repeat 10X	Rest

→ http://www.runnersworld.com/getting-started/the-8-week-beginners-program←

     Tomorrow will be my easy walking day, honestly though this first day is already got me feeling the tiredness and the dreadfulness because I am out of shape and haven't worked out in awhile. Looking forward to keeping everyone updated on my progress and how I'm feeling. Deep down, I know running will have me feeling amazing soon enough, it's all a matter of staying in the challenge and not giving up. Posts on this challenge will be on every day I run. Still debating whether to show before and after pictures. Comment if you would be interested on seeing before and after, also if you are participating on this challenge. Support is HIGHLY APPRECIATED.

Finale

Edit- If you would like to know how I'm feeling listen to Training Wheels and Teddy Bear by Melanie Martinez. Also you can just click this link →https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpqhajRtmBzGiE1sITsWe4Q←

Today was a very emotional morning because earlier this day I stayed up chatting with a friend until 2 a.m. We chatted about memories, good memories, then I got super depressed because I started missing the chats with my emotionally abusive boyfriend.

These emotions are literally horrible, it's like you're leaving a chunk of you behind to only have it tugging at you constantly, never truly letting you go or you getting away from it. Reading other blogs helped me, because I saw other people who are going through or went through what I am. The best advice the blogs had to offer are::

1. Delete all memories ie. pictures, texts
2. Hide all belongings in which they gave to you
3. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, CALL OR TEXT THE EX
4. Remember you

Going through relationships is strongly like losing a loved one to death.One moment you're chatting fine, next minute you're arguing and within seconds or days they're completely gone from your life, but never forgotten. 

I have accomplished the first and third step, I find it extremely difficult not to think of him when I'm wearing my Nikes; he bought my first ever pair. I was also wearing his shirt to bed last night, so that didn't help my coping.

Step 2 starts tomorrow, step 4 is going to take awhile, however I believe my 8-week running challenge starting this Monday will speed things up.

Until tomorrow, goodnight.

No running, love story time.

Edit- If you would like to know how I'm feeling listen to Training Wheels and Teddy Bear by Melanie Martinez. Also you can just click this link for a playlist →https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpqhajRtmBzGiE1sITsWe4Q←

I didn't run, I started my period, which I know is not a good excuse it just felt right at the time. Monday will definitely be the start of the challenge. Lately, work has got my preoccupied and since the break-up,I just want to lay in bed all day and eat. Alright, I have a lot of excuses for not working out but that's my reason. Being lazy is not okay when you have many emotions but it sure as hell feels sadly happy.

Anyways, it has been a week now that I have completely broke away from my emotionally abusive relationship. Every morning he's the first one on my mind, always the last too. It is a horrible feeling to be so attached to a person who just walked away throughout the entire relationship. There were so many signs but I literally refused to see them. The only things I saw was the weird love he offered, I can't seem to distance myself from him. Sometimes I feel as if his abuse to my mental state was karma for how I acted with every guy I had been with, but I don't believe that could be it. All the love I ever offered was true, however, I never got what I offered back.

There was always one guy who I felt never judged me and was genuinely there for me. Unfortunately I could not find myself physically attracted to him.

See, I loved everything about this guy who emotionally abused me. I loved his abuse, and it sickens me all the same time. Why do people kiss with their eyes open: because they're not truly in the moment. I was warned. I fight myself everyday to not text, to not call. I now call the number in which he blocked me. I stalked him once I found out he went on a date with a girl whom he told me was just a friend. I met her once, he said he was at work and my mom told me he was at starbucks and when I showed up he was there with this girl named Vanessa, the same name of a girl who homewrecked my previous relationship, he introduced me to her as his girlfriend even told me he loved me in front of her. She still pursued him. So, when I found out they went on a date I stalked him.

I showed up at his car and he let me in, I asked him for a hug and he hugged me, I thought he was going to try to rebuild us. Later on I messaged him, and he was sick asked me to take him food at work, I did. I feel so fucken retarded, but I love him so I went. He asked me to take him to a meeting in which he had to attend, I took him because I thought he was using it as an excuse to see me because he could have taken an uber, he canceled his uber, I thought it was because he wanted to see me. He didn't want to see me. In his words "it was just easier to have you take me." Later on in that week I messaged him and asked if we could meet up, we did and he chatted with me shortly and was in a hurry, but we talked about nothing really. He honestly didn't want to see me.

We played some Dota games together, and then I lost it mentally. When we hanged out he told me he was over me and to leave him alone, I didn't. I did once I messaged him and his reply was "stop bugging me." I kept trying to work us out, to be with him, and he shamed me for it. He told me I could never win him back, I told him he should be fighting for me, he laughed in my face.

Long story short, I finally released myself from him, and it kills me to know I still love him and he's out there fucking around with other girls. it makes me sad that I am not attracted to guys who are genuinely nice to me, instead I'm attracted to guys who can leave me in seconds and have no remorse or regrets on losing me. #storyofmylife

The only feel which keeps afloat is knowing one day I will meet a man who will offer me the same emotional support as I can offer him.

On May 16, 2016, I will begin a running challenge also known as the 8-week beginner's program. It requires one to run in intervals then slowly but surely you start improving until you're running for 30 minutes without stopping.

I have done this challenge before after a breakup, I was really depressed about it however we got back together and then I stopped the challenge. Well I am recently single again from said boyfriend so now I'm going to start again. I'm starting a new beginning for me and this will be apart of it. 

It's a magical feeling to look like yourself but different. Pictures will be posted with my results (pictures will not be showing me half-naked). Also, if you would like to do this challenge just click this link →http://www.runnersworld.com/getting-started/the-8-week-beginners-program←

Also, if you choose to do the challenge and feel like giving up or want to share results contact me, I'm here for you! We can be running buddies together from afar. Or near if you live in Oxnard, CA. Now I'm going to play Dota, you can catch those plays soon on my YouTube Channel. :D