I don't understand...

I don't understand how I could give my everything, myself, to a man who couldn't give a damn about me. I don't understand and I know I never will, there is no happy ending when it comes to him. A man I fell completely in love with, a man who abused me and I yearn for his abuse.

Emotional abusive relationships are horrible, I wonder if I will ever be the same.

I will feel alright for so long until my mind opens a thought in which I held down during our relationship, only because I felt it wasn't worth mentioning at the time. I did everything to secure him with me, and instead, it secured him, secured him to cheat on me.

I held onto remnants of him, I kept him as a friend on my STEAM account for a very long time, until 2 days ago, I deleted him. I know I am done with him, that's what hurts the most, I'm done with him.

From now on, no matter if he contacts me, I can't go back.

I'm so hurt, I can't go back, I healed myself but the scars are still there.

Scars in which he gave me. It's over.

I will never understand why a human being would inflict this pain on another being.

Tweaking Blog

I'm editing this blog as I type this, editing will take place throughout the entire day. Sorry followers, I want to add other sites I'm on and I'm not familiar with website making so this is going to take awhile. There will be an update as to when I finally get it settled.

Thanks for your support! <3

Passerby

"Here Comes a Thought"

I feel like sometimes LIFE is not worth living, everyone has thoughts like this. Thoughts like jumping off a cliff or diving into a car, these thoughts run through my head at least a couple times a week. Then I stop, I breathe, I call my mom, she then goes onto to say "Think of the things that make you happy, think of things in this world that make you happy." I have been thinking about what makes me happy as often as thoughts of why I'm depressed are harvesting within me.

What makes you happy?

Things in this world that make me happy...

• My Daughter

• Being Alive
• Being Me
• Having a Great Family
• Doing Great in School

Life is not easy for me and no one really has it easy, however, I do things that make me feel accomplished, I feel accomplished. This is why my life is worth living.

p.s. that is not an actual picture of my canine daughter, but she looks like the above pic.

R....

There's a job in which I work with children after school hours, well, they had this faculty event today for all staff and faculty, so, I decided to attend. While attending I found myself searching for my ex who is an IT for a school, I assumed he would be there. Every minute or so, I would look for him, I was getting disgusted with myself, because I didn't want to stop until I saw him. Eventually, I forced myself to stop and just enjoy the conference I was attending. Then, in an instance, I just decided to look right, well there he was, he didn't notice me. He was walking down the steps of the auditorium to leave, he was smiling, wearing his same blue flannel that he got from American eagle, the same shirt I had torn off of him multiple afternoons.

My eyes followed him until he was no longer there, it hurt me so much, I felt like crying. Tears are rolling down my face as I type, I'm not over him and it SUCKS!

Life

A couple days ago, I was working at my job as a cashier when suddenly a little girl approached with her mother and brother handing me an item her mother was going to purchase for her. The little girls eyes were so innocent, so excited about her mother going to purchase something. This little girl was a girl I was too familiar with. I asked her her name, she replied "Sherri." This little girls name was Sherri. She was Mexican and from what a guy had told me part Filipino. I remembered this girl, because I had met her once before at a basketball game. It was a basketball game a friend of mine had invited me to because he was coaching for the team in which Sherri was a player in. I asked her if she remembered me, she just looked at me with a blank stare, her mom looked at me with a concerned look. I then told Sherri and her mom that I was friends with her daughters coach, then they were all smiles again. I then reminded Sherri that I was the girl who was with her coach waiting for her parents to pick her up after her basketball game. She then exclaimed "Oh YEA!" What they didn't know was the coach was my ex, and Sherri was a comment in which he gave me. At that game I was upset because my ex didn't introduce me to anyone there as his girlfriend or even his friend. I was hurt and when we were waiting for Sherri's parents to arrive, he sent me a text message because I was sitting away from them, I didn't want to intrude in a place I wasn't welcomed. He gestured to me to check my phone. The text message read "This is probably how our daughter would look."

The little girl didn't know that she was involved in such a meaningful day for me. She will never know. Thinking of the moment makes me feel so heartbroken all over again, he told me things he never meant and all the red flags were there.

That day I went home and wrote wedding vows, I know it's cheesy, but at that moment I knew he was truly the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I was determined to steal his last name. Now all I'm determined to do is let him go, never look back, I want to remember but also forget, I forgive the horrible things he has said and done to me. I know I will find a man worth loving eventually. I look forward to that day, when thoughts or memories of my ex will no longer make me cry.

Day..... 2

WEEK 1

Wk	Mon	Tues	Weds	Thurs	Fri	Sat	Sun
1	Run & Walk Run 1 min Walk 2 min Repeat 10X	Walk Walk easy 30 min	Run & Walk Run 1 min Walk 2 min Repeat 10X	Walk Walk easy 30 min	Run & Walk Run 1 min Walk 2 min Repeat 10X	Run & Walk Run 1 min Walk 2 min Repeat 10X	Rest

     So, after I got off work yesterday at 9:30 p.m., I went to work out because I want to Cosplay next year as a Ghoul. My workout started amazingly easy, but then when I got to the 5th repetition, I got extremely tired. This workout must be finished, it is an 8-week challenge that I will complete, I have mentioned many times I was going to start and finish it, but eventually, I would just stop or give up on it because of life. Though, this time, I can't, the world will watch me finish! Today is Tuesday, which requires me to walk 30 minutes, I shall accomplish this by walking with my daughter. The day I'm looking forward to is rest day. This routine is tiresome, especially how I do it. Instead of running a nice jog, I have been running to my limits, and the walk is to my limit. I feel extremely fat all the time, and I'm always tired, no matter what I do, I will be tired. Everytime I'm out and about I get extremely tired, I have been napping multiple times throughout my day and I believe it's because I'm overweight. 

    To look amazing is the ghoul! I will accomplish this, if it is the last thing I do!

Day ..1

G-DRAGON - 삐딱하게(CROOKED) M/V

I was supposed to go to the gym today, technically I still have time; however, I did do something really productive other than working out. Today, I went to my college, well let me start from the beginning...

Never have I been a good student, the only time I actually took school seriously was when I met my ex. As much as I can't stand who I became while with him, because of his influence, I do like how much he pushed me to become more into school. School was always a fear I faced, being the first one to truly go to college in my immediate family, it was extremely difficult; I had no idea what classes to take. Meeting him had many cons on my life, but the pros were HUGE, his insults led me to be more into school. I strived to shove it in his face, I strived to show him who I am, I was never stupid, and I always knew that, I know that. Not to brag, but my intelligence is pretty good, book-smart wise.

When I met him, my grades were taken more seriously, I felt as if he started to hate me more for it. I never took it seriously, but when I did, he started pushing me farther away. He started downgrading me in other ways, such as financially. Later in our relationship, I got a better job, kind of in his field but not really, he is an IT so he has a profession. I got a job working for the "after school program" in Oxnard, California. It pays well, then I was actually able to spend money on him, thinking he would like it, he started calling my financially unstable, that was a lie, he is a hater.

Back to my school life, my grades are EXCELLENT now, I actually got an 'A' in College Algebra. An 'A' is extremely difficult for some, most, I never got 'As' in my beginning years. Getting an 'A' is really just putting everything you're asked to do and doing it and remembering it for the tests. Well, I got an 'A', the class was needed in order to take my other classes in order to enroll in the X-Ray Technician program at Moorpark College. I tried signing up for Anatomy, but the registering system kept saying I didn't have the prerequisites.

After meeting up with my counselor, it turns out I have the prerequisites and that I'm only 3 classes away from my Associates in Natural Sciences.

I feel AMAZING! I am legit. HAH!

P.S. Comment something you're proud of, I'm interested.

Day ...

Still, completely and utterly heartbroken, but things are looking up. There's an online game I like to play, called "Dota," it's extremely fun and lately devasting.... because I keep losing. Anyways I play, my ex plays it also, I can't bring myself to delete him as a friend on it. A bit of me is holding him and seeing him on my friends' list eases the pain. I know I need to delete him on it, I know, but I can't help but be satisfied seeing him there, I am disgusted by the way I feel about him.

However, I have not visited his facebook page in awhile, that is a HUGE accomplishment. Also, yesterday I had a date with me and my daughter. I have mentioned before that I have a daughter, she is a canine. I would post a picture, thoughI am still quite shy about my face being on the world wide web. We went to the Ventura Harbor, she's never been there, we had a blast. We walked around, caught Pokemon, it was fun!

Korean music seems to be the only thing keeping me sane lately. 

There is an artist, his names "G-Dragon" HE IS FREAKEN GORGEOUS! 

LOOK AT HIM!

G-Dragon

This artist is freaken amazing! I can't help but be mesmerized by how gorgeous this guy is. My biggest weak spot for races is Korean men, they're my favorite kind of race in a man. I'm not racist, but Korean men are my top fave. I always loved Korean movies, I need to start watching the dramas.

I should sleep now. Peace Zoot!