Edit- If you would like to know how I'm feeling listen to Training Wheels and Teddy Bear by Melanie Martinez. Also you can just click this link for a playlist
→https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpqhajRtmBzGiE1sITsWe4Q←
I didn't run, I started my period, which I know is not a good excuse it just felt right at the time. Monday will definitely be the start of the challenge. Lately, work has got my preoccupied and since the break-up,I just want to lay in bed all day and eat. Alright, I have a lot of excuses for not working out but that's my reason. Being lazy is not okay when you have many emotions but it sure as hell feels sadly happy.
Anyways, it has been a week now that I have completely broke away from my emotionally abusive relationship. Every morning he's the first one on my mind, always the last too. It is a horrible feeling to be so attached to a person who just walked away throughout the entire relationship. There were so many signs but I literally refused to see them. The only things I saw was the weird love he offered, I can't seem to distance myself from him. Sometimes I feel as if his abuse to my mental state was karma for how I acted with every guy I had been with, but I don't believe that could be it. All the love I ever offered was true, however, I never got what I offered back.
There was always one guy who I felt never judged me and was genuinely there for me. Unfortunately I could not find myself physically attracted to him.
See, I loved everything about this guy who emotionally abused me. I loved his abuse, and it sickens me all the same time. Why do people kiss with their eyes open: because they're not truly in the moment. I was warned. I fight myself everyday to not text, to not call. I now call the number in which he blocked me. I stalked him once I found out he went on a date with a girl whom he told me was just a friend. I met her once, he said he was at work and my mom told me he was at starbucks and when I showed up he was there with this girl named Vanessa, the same name of a girl who homewrecked my previous relationship, he introduced me to her as his girlfriend even told me he loved me in front of her. She still pursued him. So, when I found out they went on a date I stalked him.
I showed up at his car and he let me in, I asked him for a hug and he hugged me, I thought he was going to try to rebuild us. Later on I messaged him, and he was sick asked me to take him food at work, I did. I feel so fucken retarded, but I love him so I went. He asked me to take him to a meeting in which he had to attend, I took him because I thought he was using it as an excuse to see me because he could have taken an uber, he canceled his uber, I thought it was because he wanted to see me. He didn't want to see me. In his words "it was just easier to have you take me." Later on in that week I messaged him and asked if we could meet up, we did and he chatted with me shortly and was in a hurry, but we talked about nothing really. He honestly didn't want to see me.
We played some Dota games together, and then I lost it mentally. When we hanged out he told me he was over me and to leave him alone, I didn't. I did once I messaged him and his reply was "stop bugging me." I kept trying to work us out, to be with him, and he shamed me for it. He told me I could never win him back, I told him he should be fighting for me, he laughed in my face.
Long story short, I finally released myself from him, and it kills me to know I still love him and he's out there fucking around with other girls. it makes me sad that I am not attracted to guys who are genuinely nice to me, instead I'm attracted to guys who can leave me in seconds and have no remorse or regrets on losing me. #storyofmylife
The only feel which keeps afloat is knowing one day I will meet a man who will offer me the same emotional support as I can offer him.
